Erin The Great

I love my job. I’m just going to say this before I go off on my tangent. It all started about two and a half months ago when (due to shenanigans in the work place) I managed to get the Internet banned at my bank branch. I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking about how popular I became and how you’re jealous of my popularity. Not quite!

I would just like to say that my boss knew what I was doing that fateful April Fools day and didn’t care because it was a particularly slow day and all my work was done. I decided to pull a few pranks on my friends and, after trying to sell my friend’s cars on ksl.com, I realized I had been on the Internet a good chunk of the day. Again, it was a REALLY slow day and my boss didn’t care. Imagine my surprise when three weeks later I get pulled into our security offices up in Salt Lake to get absolutely raked over the coals for surfing the Internet. I’m so glad I was able to waste a couple of gallons of golden gas to get my get my butt ripped to shreds by some corporate beast on speaker phone, especially when my daily Internet usage usually only involved my quick celebrity gossip updates, printing off a sudoku puzzle and finally, my blog. That’s right, I like many of you would blog at work… this is no longer the case.

Since this Internet ban, I’m stuck in my very slow bank branch that maybe sees 30 people total on any given day, maybe 31 on Friday. Payday. Are you seeing where I am going with this? That’s right! After almost 2 months of no Internet, no printing off Sudoku puzzles and NO BLOGGING to keep me from killing customers, I have been left with a huge gaping void not to mention being left to my own devices… never a good thing.

To my co-workers I would like to issue an apology. I am so very sorry and would like to thank you profusely for not slashing my tires, keying my car or TP-ing my house! You all are amazing and should receive a couple of ‘Luv Saks’ in heaven, should you make it there… Boyd.

Luckily, after weeks and weeks of looking almost comatose from boredom, I have picked up a few old hobbies. I have always loved reading and now that I have hours at my disposal, I am reading the entire works of Jane Austen. I’ve decided that reading such books like the ‘Twilight’ series while I was at work was shaping up to be a bad idea. Especially if I was in the middle of one of the fight scenes, and of course thanks to ‘Murphy’s Law’ that would be the very second that someone would call to ask an asinine question like ‘Is this the optical section of Costco?’ Breathe Erin breathe. They don’t know that they’ve just interrupted the climax of your book. Count to 10… ok talk. ‘No, this is CENSORED bank.’ Good, I didn’t bite off heads; it’s going to be ok. The customer asks again, ‘You mean this isn’t Costco?’ again breathe Erin. ‘No I’m sorry, this is CENSORED bank, is there anything else can help you with?’ Click! Rude! What I wanted to say was ‘No, you friggin idiot! What part of ‘thank you for calling CENSORED bank are you not computing??’ Thank you so much for trying my patience when I was being nice, even after you interrupted the best part of the book!

This is why I don’t read really intriguing and complicated books at work… Usually I’m pretty good at holding my cool when I’m dealing with rude people. I realize that, even though I’m reading on the job, that the customer comes first. But when they’re rude, I can’t help of thinking up ways I could meet them in dark alleys… Thanks again Internet Ban! Without you, I’ve managed to forgo all my stress releases until after I get home from work. It’s cool! I’m sure my roommates love me coming home in really foul moods after dealing with the world’s rudest people on earth. It’s ok that it takes me almost 2 hours to calm down from my day. Whatever. I hope you’re happy!

I may or may not work at one of the slooowest bank branches known to man…. At least as far as walk-in traffic goes. As far as phone traffic? That’s another story. That phone rings constantly! Unfortunately only about 70% off the phone calls are legitimate; the other 30% are solicitors, debt consolidators, people looking for the Utah state prison and/or Costco. I’m not sure why we get calls for Costco but we do.

Anyway, I arrive at 12:30 every day, and I can count on one hand how many people walk through the door in just a couple of hours… Until I start telling a story. Every time I start a story I can guarantee that at least 3 people will walk in and at least 2 people will call. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like the general populous has this ‘story’ radar and must come in when and only when you’re telling a story.

People will also walk through the door if you’re the only teller and you really need to go to the bathroom. When nature calls, so do the people… every frickin time! Thank you Murphy’s Law!

Today is one of those days where you wish you could just post something declaring to everyone on the planet to be nice to your bank tellers; they usually know what they are talking about. In fact, when it comes to operations, they usually are the most knowing in the entire bank!

Most tellers will tell you there are a few subjects that come up that you just pray go well, because if you don’t, you get chewed out royally if it’s something the customer doesn’t want hear. I have compiled a short list of complaints that we, as tellers here about the most. The reason most tellers are so knowledgeable on these subjects, is because we constantly have to explain them to customers. They are as follows;

• Funds Availability
  Over Drafts
  Auto Payments
  Debit Card Issues
  Availability of other staff members

Funds Availability – Every BANK (Credit Unions are different) abides by Reg CC or ‘Funds Availability’. Banks might have different check holding policies, but the underlining factor is the same where ever you go. Credit Unions follow their own rules. Please be aware of this before you storm your bank with daggers drawn. Banks make cash available the same say, local checks are the next day, and non-local checks are available after two days. Credit Unions make EVERYTHING same day availability. The only problem with this is if there is a chargeback (when a check you deposited doesn’t clear the other bank) on your account, you are screwed!

Over Drafts – Also called NSF or ‘non sufficient funds’. I’d like to think this is self explanatory, but apparently this notion is lost on a lot of people. Now everyone has bad months were you forget to document things, or something unexpected happens. This is totally understandable, but to constantly spend money that you don’t have is just plain irresponsible! My biggest pet peeve working for a bank is when people keep spending money when they know they don’t have it, and EVERY month these people come in wanting fees reversed and get mad at the tellers. It’s not our fault! Stop spending! Apparently I’m supposed to track everyone who banks here and physically take their card or checkbook out of their hands when their money runs out…. All this makes me want to do is find the closest heavy object and smack them with it and try and beat some sense into them… I’m adding a small thank you to the people who know they over draw their accounts and just acknowledge the fact that fees go with that and don’t complain.

*As a side note, please note that fees in general are just apart of banking life. You can’t avoid them. Banks have to make money. If you don’t like getting fees, might I suggest a piggy bank or stuffing your money in a mattress!

Auto-Payments – I agree that these are tricky sometimes, but they don’t have to be. The trick is to know what is coming out of where and for how much. I keep a list on my register with the date and amount on it so I don’t forget to have money in my account. It’s worked pretty well so far. If this is too difficult, just take everything off of auto payments. Here is a little loophole; if you have an auto-payment for a loan because you got the ½ % off the interest rate, all you have to do is have it go through the first couple of months and then sign a paper stating that you would like to discontinue the auto-pay. Usually your interest rate won’t be touched and you don’t have to deal with stress anymore.

Debit Card Issues – Here are the facts. You can only withdrawal a certain amount a day from the ATM. You can only spend up to a certain amount a day if you run it as a ‘debit’. If you run your debit card as ‘credit’ (yes you can do this), you can spend as much as you have in your account. If the place you are purchasing something from is having debit card issues, simply run it as a credit.

Availability Of Other Staff Members – If you call in for a specific person and they aren’t available. Don’t harass the person who answered the phone. We don’t like it. We also can’t help that the person you are looking for is currently busy. They don’t think you’re un-important and they would love to help you, you just need to be patient or leave a message and they will get back to you.

There are some tips and remember to please be nice to your tellers. If you are a jerk or a D-bag in anyway shape or form, they will remember you… and not for the good. If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask.

I was sitting at my teller station when a customer came up to me. I hadn’t really been paying attention until I noticed something. You’d think that the presence of another human being would have been the cue that clued me in to their existence, but it wasn’t. Unfortunately I had smelled something rather odiferous and looked up to realize that it was another human being standing right in front of me.

OY! It was all I could do to keep a straight face, and not wretch in front of the customer. I got to thinking about this. Why do some people take personal hygiene more seriously than others and why do people who have relatively good personal hygiene smell like weird things like bacon or beef soup?

Are people really aware of how they smell? The people who smell like bacon, beef soup, fish, and garlic, do they know that they are secreting the odor? Drink water like a fiend and it’ll flush the smell right out of your system. You’re urine will smell, but better your urine than you right?

This brings me to my other smell genre…people who smell like urine, BO, oily head and dirty clothes. I have one word for you… SOAP! Soap in all its glory! Wash your clothes, and wash your body. Take a vacuum to your carpet and stop letting food ferment under various pieces of furniture.

Please note that many smells together don’t necessarily match and smell good. It’s like being over whelmed my female smell in an elevator. You smell the soap, hairspray, lotion, perfume, as well as other products. Too many smells are just as bad as not doing anything about a bad smell.

Back to my point, normally you know when you need to brace yourself for an oncoming smell but sometimes it surprises you. Since I work at a bank, there are a lot of workers that are of the ranks of the great un-washed i.e. construction, masonry, electricians and plumbers etc.

Usually you can expect the smell of stale cigarettes and body odor. Sometimes I’m surprised when I have a mason or a construction worker that is in front of me that smells like tide and fabric softener. They’ve been working a hard day and yet they don’t turn the air green with their existence.

Appearance is another thing. I think it’s funny when people will take jabs at your appearance but leave your particular brand of ‘human stank’ alone. I have a friend I work with that wears his hair in a must up way. It doesn’t look bad or unprofessional but for some reason a customer left him a comb and told him to comb his hair. Sometimes I really don’t feel like getting ready for work. I don’t look bad but my hair is in a ponytail, I’ll have my glasses on and maybe some mascara. My clothes weren’t wrinkled but for some reason people looked at me and will sometimes ask me why I didn’t bother to get ready this morning. Who are you people? Just because I didn’t feel like putting on a dress, heels and gobs of makeup apparently I’m slumming?

I guess its ok to make fun of someone who didn’t have time to shave or who probably needs a hair cut but forget them going after the smelly people…. That’s just rude! (Note sarcasm) I think if you’re going to criticize one, you might as well criticize the other. Be brave and hand over a bar of soap to a smelly soul or just keep your comments to yourself!

Like many of you already know, I gave up my ‘life source’ of Dr. Pepper for Lent this year.

Now most people when they give up their vice for more then a couple of days, tent to be a little on the testy side. Not unlike these people my patience and ability to sugar coat things waved good bye several weeks ago. Now having officially observed at least 30 days of the 40 that Lent entails, I’ve been a little on edge as of late. It’s sad when I know that all I need is to pound 20oz Dr. Pepper and my inner ‘Mr. Hyde’ is set at bay.

I have two friends that also happen to be my co-workers. They have been trying to get me to cave and just partake of the sweet nectar of life. Although I know that temptation was inevitable in the process of Lent, I had no idea these two particular individuals were going to be borderline mean about it… I’d say their names but they know who they are… *sneeze*Boyd*Cough*Brandon!

Sometime around Tuesday one of these two thought it would be great fun to come back from lunch with a gigantic Dr. Pepper and inform me that I needed to drink up, and that I’d be a nicer person if I did… this may be completely accurate but when I only had 10 more days left, there was no way I was going to cave. After proclaiming this, they decided to pour a little bit in a cup so as to tempt me and set it right next to me in my teller station. I finally gave the cup to one of them, while still sticking to my guns. With their constant taunting, I’ve never been prouder of myself

I’m pretty sure that the next and final week of Lent is going to be the most hard, mostly because these two individuals aren’t letting up on getting me to cheat…. I’ve got news for you guys… Give up men! IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I’ll be my happy charming self by the end of next week, with or without your support!

I’m beginning to wonder about the validity and/or convenience of the phone book. I was trying to get a hold of a car garage to that my car could receive an oil change and therefore be happy that I’m still driving her in the snow without snow tires. That’s beside the point but what I did come to discover was the fact that the ‘car garage’ I’d supposedly called actually ended up being the number for a plumber… just my luck.

After I figured out that the number in the phone book was actually the number I was trying to dial and I wasn’t having a massive ‘blonde moment’ like the plumber man so arrogantly suggested, I thought back to answering the phone at my job.

As I’ve said so many times before I work at a bank. The bank that I work at doesn’t have a receptionist of any kind so I as a teller provide direction and answers to all who may be calling. This usually isn’t a problem until about 30 min into my shift when the normal calls for Costco arrive. Costco you say? That’s right! Last time I checked the bank didn’t have a deli section. Usually it is rather funny when people call up and ask how much our turkey is going for, but we do get the occasional caller who is not only baffled at calling a bank instead of Costco but gets rather irate because somehow it’s my fault the number for both the deli and eyeglasses just happens to be our number.

Up until now I guess you could chock this up to coincidence except that apparently when you look in the phonebook and call our 1-800 number, you now get a dating service. Very interesting!

There are a lot of disgusting things on this planet, but one of the foulest things that you’d never even think of is money.

Think about it, we like it, we have some, we are always wanting more and with every chance we have to get more money, the more the general populace touches it. Whether it is at a bank or a store, bills go in and out of cash registers without any regards to its previous owners.

I work at a bank and it’s funny to see how people react to money. Some refuse to carry cash on them because money is so gross. Others take it with glee and without any thought to where it could have been not one hour previous. Some will be dealing with cash and be eating at the exact same time. That in and of itself is probably one of the most vile things to watch. It’s like that old saying that goes something like ‘don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been’.

Think about every person that could possibly touch money. Think about when you have accidentally drop your cash on the street. Think about how many of those dollars have been stuffed inside a stripper thong or rolled up and used to snort half of South America. How about people with colds who cough, sneeze and hack into their hands then reach into their pockets to bring out their cash stash?

I never used to be germ-a-phobic until I started for the bank. I obviously would wash my hands after dealing with cash, mostly because after dealing with it for a few hours, it has the tendency to turn your fingers black, but one month at the bank and I was slathering on the anti-bacterial sanitizer stuff like it was going out of style. This was very important since where I was working, was placed dead center in a place called ‘felony flats’, where the dirty of the dirty were located. Nothing like the dirty hippies/felons/miscreants/etc. coming in and depositing their money and not giving a flying fart in space that I was receiving a contact high from merely counting it!

I’m merely issuing a warning to the general public. Be careful about money. Don’t keep licking your fingers while counting it. Don’t eat right after dealing with it. Be safe. Be clean, and if the above didn’t give you enough of a visual… There was this very unwashed individual who I was helping about two years ago. After the transaction was complete, he took the money wrapped it together with rubber bands and shoved it down the front of his pants… scary enough for you?

We’ve all seen them. They lurk in corners or over hear you in the bathroom stall and they are annoyingly everywhere you are. That’s right… I’m talking about the co-workers from hell!

There is nothing more annoying then a co-worker who blatantly has in for you without any real cause except for the fact that you’re just plain better at your job. These people will do anything to point out what you’re doing wrong or how you’ve offended them in some way even though you’ve never really ever talked to them.

I’ve never been good at brown nosing, so when these people come after me the only rapport I have with my bosses is the fact that I’m honest and a very good worker. Unfortunately to my discredit I have one ridiculously sarcastic mouth. Apparently sarcasm offends people. Whatever… deal with it! Needless to say I feel trapped when confronted with ‘said’ loathsome person and therefore as the ‘fight or flight’ responses would have it, I end up attacking.

I have to say that being so very unhappy to the point that you feel the need to ruin other people is almost like a full time job in and off itself. I give them props on their work ethic, of course if they had actual work ethic they wouldn’t have to find ways to get rid of you and therefore bumping up their sociopathic standing in the world.

I’ve worked with the best of this particular breed of human, but there is only one that comes to mind when I think of what not to do. Making people miserable and constantly getting them into trouble is seedy and underhanded and if you’re going to get away with it, you have to be a pro. I’ll give example as to how this is accomplished having had many pull this crap on me.

What to do…

To these fine individuals I wish you luck in life because nothing will ever satisfy you as long as you’re trying to get rid of everyone who just might be better than you. Get a hobby, a haircut and while your at it some fashion sense.