Erin The Great

I believe my days as ‘Erin the locksmith’ are about to be over. For the last 5 years or so, I’ve been the resident ‘locksmith’ for anyone in my apartment building that on occasion has locked themselves out.

It all started a couple of months ago when I lost the ability and the patience to pick locks, thus leaving my friends locked out instead of into their apartments. This was indeed frustrating since up until recently I haven’t found a lock I couldn’t pick. I’ve now found many, and what’s even more frustrating is the fact that my butter knife trick now seems completely useless.

My moment of mounting shame is upon me! Last Sunday night my friend Jackie had locked herself out. As she told me of her predicament, I was already on my way upstairs to get a butter knife and my lock picking set. I tried picking the lock for about 5 min and decided to use my knife trick instead. I had at the window for a little bit and after about a minute, the window slid right open… Horray! I had done it! I got in! My pride was soaring! I was not a failure for the hundredth time this year at getting someone into their house. I climbed through the window and unlocked the door and immerged from the apartment victorious. I went back around and shut the window, took the ladder back, and walked back over to my friend’s apartment. We reached the door and low and behold it was locked! What? You have got to be kidding me! How could it be locked? I just opened the door! I looked at Jackie and that’s the time she decides to tell me that her door automatically locks behind you when you leave. Crap!

There was no way I was going to be defeated by this apartment! I went and grabbed the ladder and started going at the window again. The very same window that I had so easily gotten open the first time, was now giving me much grief now! I tried opening that thing for almost 20 minutes when I finally gave up and admitted defeat. I was tired, scraped up and a little sweaty after putting some serious elbow grease, and a couple of encouraging swearwords to help it along, but to no avail.

I stand here extremely humble. For where the lord giveth, he also taketh away. There is nothing worse than losing a talent. Even when it is a shady talent that I was using for good!

Today is one of those days where you wish you could just post something declaring to everyone on the planet to be nice to your bank tellers; they usually know what they are talking about. In fact, when it comes to operations, they usually are the most knowing in the entire bank!

Most tellers will tell you there are a few subjects that come up that you just pray go well, because if you don’t, you get chewed out royally if it’s something the customer doesn’t want hear. I have compiled a short list of complaints that we, as tellers here about the most. The reason most tellers are so knowledgeable on these subjects, is because we constantly have to explain them to customers. They are as follows;

• Funds Availability
  Over Drafts
  Auto Payments
  Debit Card Issues
  Availability of other staff members

Funds Availability – Every BANK (Credit Unions are different) abides by Reg CC or ‘Funds Availability’. Banks might have different check holding policies, but the underlining factor is the same where ever you go. Credit Unions follow their own rules. Please be aware of this before you storm your bank with daggers drawn. Banks make cash available the same say, local checks are the next day, and non-local checks are available after two days. Credit Unions make EVERYTHING same day availability. The only problem with this is if there is a chargeback (when a check you deposited doesn’t clear the other bank) on your account, you are screwed!

Over Drafts – Also called NSF or ‘non sufficient funds’. I’d like to think this is self explanatory, but apparently this notion is lost on a lot of people. Now everyone has bad months were you forget to document things, or something unexpected happens. This is totally understandable, but to constantly spend money that you don’t have is just plain irresponsible! My biggest pet peeve working for a bank is when people keep spending money when they know they don’t have it, and EVERY month these people come in wanting fees reversed and get mad at the tellers. It’s not our fault! Stop spending! Apparently I’m supposed to track everyone who banks here and physically take their card or checkbook out of their hands when their money runs out…. All this makes me want to do is find the closest heavy object and smack them with it and try and beat some sense into them… I’m adding a small thank you to the people who know they over draw their accounts and just acknowledge the fact that fees go with that and don’t complain.

*As a side note, please note that fees in general are just apart of banking life. You can’t avoid them. Banks have to make money. If you don’t like getting fees, might I suggest a piggy bank or stuffing your money in a mattress!

Auto-Payments – I agree that these are tricky sometimes, but they don’t have to be. The trick is to know what is coming out of where and for how much. I keep a list on my register with the date and amount on it so I don’t forget to have money in my account. It’s worked pretty well so far. If this is too difficult, just take everything off of auto payments. Here is a little loophole; if you have an auto-payment for a loan because you got the ½ % off the interest rate, all you have to do is have it go through the first couple of months and then sign a paper stating that you would like to discontinue the auto-pay. Usually your interest rate won’t be touched and you don’t have to deal with stress anymore.

Debit Card Issues – Here are the facts. You can only withdrawal a certain amount a day from the ATM. You can only spend up to a certain amount a day if you run it as a ‘debit’. If you run your debit card as ‘credit’ (yes you can do this), you can spend as much as you have in your account. If the place you are purchasing something from is having debit card issues, simply run it as a credit.

Availability Of Other Staff Members – If you call in for a specific person and they aren’t available. Don’t harass the person who answered the phone. We don’t like it. We also can’t help that the person you are looking for is currently busy. They don’t think you’re un-important and they would love to help you, you just need to be patient or leave a message and they will get back to you.

There are some tips and remember to please be nice to your tellers. If you are a jerk or a D-bag in anyway shape or form, they will remember you… and not for the good. If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask.

Today is what I like to refer to as a ‘Darwin Day’. A ‘Darwin Day’ proves that the theory of natural selection is unfortunately just a theory, or else some people would have been killed off years ago.

There are two-parts to my tale, and it begins with the drive to and from work, we’ll call that Part 1. Then we have the 5 hours which I work at the bank, we’ll call that Part 2.

Ok, I live In Provo where BYU is the pride and joy of the city. I also unfortunately live about 2 blocks south of its campus. This usually isn’t bothersome until I have to drive anywhere. It doesn’t matter because anytime I drive down the road I can count on almost hitting at least 10-15 idiot BYU students within a 10 block radius.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t give you the look of ‘entitlement’. The look of ‘I’m going to walk where ever and in front of what ever I want’. It’s all I can do to not come off like I’m a sailor on leave, because just the look is enough to fry my insides. The ones that really get me though are the students that either just start walking in front of your moving vehicle, or the ones that take their sweet time crossing the street looking at you like ‘what are you going to do about it’?

Every time I see one of those looks, all I can think about is how lucky those individuals are that I’m not packing heat! Try giving one of those looks in Detroit or Oakland… You’d be shot down so fast…. Which gives me a wonderful idea, I have in my possession a sling shot. From now on every time a person walks gleefully out in front of my car I’m going to bust out my slingshot and some paint balls and just go nuts. Those people will learn real fast! My only regret is that after having lived here for almost five years I didn’t think of it sooner!

Dang it, I’m pretty bent about having just barely thought of that! Moving on… After nearly hitting the BYU students I make my way to the bank where I normally deal with Utah’s finest and the meat-heads coming in from the GYM across the street. Then my longing for natural selection really begins.

Almost every time I ask a customer for their ID or for an account number, the usual response is to look like a deer in the headlights and then verbally respond with ‘why do you need to see it’? Oh dear… blood pressure rising… must*fight*urge* to*slap*person*… Ok plaster smile and verbally say ‘I need your account number so can do your transaction and your ID to make sure you are who you say you are… *smile*… (While thinking) ‘Because I have a weird fetish where I like to look at not only your ugly mug, but your ugly photo on your ID as well! As far as your account number, well I thought I’d just pillage the $16.58 you have in your account… why the heck do you think I’m asking for it you idiot’?

As for the meat-heads, well nothing is more flattering then having one in front of you going off about how much he works out, and his cool car and blah blah blah, wow, you really know how to impress a girl with brains! Well done buddy! Well done!

OY! Sometimes it’s all you can do to have a fake smile plastered on your face while counting down the minutes until you can go home and crawl back into bed and forget that people of this caliber exist.

A few days ago, I went to the Hindu temple in Spanish Fork, Ut for the ‘Festival of Colors’. My religion isn’t Hindu but I thought it would be fun to experience another religious custom (hence the reason I observed Lent this year).

The festival of colors or Holi, is a Hindu tradition celebrating the burning of the demoness ‘Holika’. Holi started with some entertainment and food and then worked into the reason everyone was there; the Bon-fire and the throwing of colors. To my understanding the significance of throwing the colors is medicinal. Because it’s a spring festival, it’s believed that the changing of the seasons brings on illness and viral flu’s. The colors are to help you to NOT to get sick.

This is funny because research has found that the colors contain components like asbestos and heavy metals that can cause asthma and skin disease…. Now they tell me! I’m sure glad someone slapped a whole handful of it in my eye, and like everyone else who was there, breathing in copious amounts of it!

Aside from the colors of death I must say that I had a lot of fun. I arrived with some old friends from back home and was amazed at how many people were all ready there. After about an hour of looking around, quite a crowd had formed and my group was right in the middle of it.

With very little warning I found my self gasping for air as hundreds of people started splashing each other with powdered colors. The smell was wonderful but my lungs weren’t happy with the amount of powder they were collecting. You couldn’t see even a foot in front of you because there was an eruption of brilliant colors everywhere.

After the dust started to sort of settle, you could see everyone just covered in different hues. Head to toe coverage on everybody in the massive crowd. After the eruption, the music, chanting and moshing started. After the moshing started, and just like clock work, the crowd surfing started. I was really excited because I wanted to crowd surf but everyone in the mosh pit started dropping the crowed surfers right and left… That put an end to that idea.

Even though it was a Hindu holiday, the place was over run by LDS people aka ‘Mormons’ everywhere. It was Like Mormon Woodstock ’08. I happen to LDS but looking around at all my crazy counter parts, it was like ‘Mormons gone wild’. I know I was there to learn and experience another culture, and I was a little taken back at the lack of respect and the need to just ‘cut loose’. I think there is a difference between experiencing something new, and just going to go crazy and have people wonder how many different drugs you’re on.

I guess all it takes in the ‘Mormon Bubble’ is a crazy Hindu festival and a bunch of dust color… I’d hate to see some of these self-oppressed souls hit Vegas…. Oh dear!

I think I speak for everyone when I say ‘Where are the new episodes’? Since the Writers strike ended a while ago the only thing I’ve been able to do, is keep hitting spoilerfix.com in hopes that I get my daily dose of spoilers and plot points, since the ‘creative teams’ are taking their sweet time giving us what we want.

Ordinarily I’m a patient person but for the love of everything holy! I just want to know if Nurse Rose gets the boot and if Meredith Gray finally pulls her head out of her butt long enough to say ‘oh Derek, I will marry you because my issues are ridiculous and they’ve been recurring since day 1’. I love Grey’s Anatomy but this season has been a little too much ‘Days of Our Lives’ for my taste.

As for ‘The Office’, well…Luckily the drama isn’t enough to keep me reeling into oblivion until it comes back on the air… it’s just extremely entertaining.

Finally we get to ‘Scrubs’! Are JD and Elliott ever getting together? My pool hall oracle has told me this is so. It’s a magic 8 ball… It knows all!

As the weeks drag on and my patience wears thinner and thinner but our redemption is near!

Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my ‘Scrubs’, ‘The Office’ & ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to me…. To me!!!

I was sitting at my teller station when a customer came up to me. I hadn’t really been paying attention until I noticed something. You’d think that the presence of another human being would have been the cue that clued me in to their existence, but it wasn’t. Unfortunately I had smelled something rather odiferous and looked up to realize that it was another human being standing right in front of me.

OY! It was all I could do to keep a straight face, and not wretch in front of the customer. I got to thinking about this. Why do some people take personal hygiene more seriously than others and why do people who have relatively good personal hygiene smell like weird things like bacon or beef soup?

Are people really aware of how they smell? The people who smell like bacon, beef soup, fish, and garlic, do they know that they are secreting the odor? Drink water like a fiend and it’ll flush the smell right out of your system. You’re urine will smell, but better your urine than you right?

This brings me to my other smell genre…people who smell like urine, BO, oily head and dirty clothes. I have one word for you… SOAP! Soap in all its glory! Wash your clothes, and wash your body. Take a vacuum to your carpet and stop letting food ferment under various pieces of furniture.

Please note that many smells together don’t necessarily match and smell good. It’s like being over whelmed my female smell in an elevator. You smell the soap, hairspray, lotion, perfume, as well as other products. Too many smells are just as bad as not doing anything about a bad smell.

Back to my point, normally you know when you need to brace yourself for an oncoming smell but sometimes it surprises you. Since I work at a bank, there are a lot of workers that are of the ranks of the great un-washed i.e. construction, masonry, electricians and plumbers etc.

Usually you can expect the smell of stale cigarettes and body odor. Sometimes I’m surprised when I have a mason or a construction worker that is in front of me that smells like tide and fabric softener. They’ve been working a hard day and yet they don’t turn the air green with their existence.

Appearance is another thing. I think it’s funny when people will take jabs at your appearance but leave your particular brand of ‘human stank’ alone. I have a friend I work with that wears his hair in a must up way. It doesn’t look bad or unprofessional but for some reason a customer left him a comb and told him to comb his hair. Sometimes I really don’t feel like getting ready for work. I don’t look bad but my hair is in a ponytail, I’ll have my glasses on and maybe some mascara. My clothes weren’t wrinkled but for some reason people looked at me and will sometimes ask me why I didn’t bother to get ready this morning. Who are you people? Just because I didn’t feel like putting on a dress, heels and gobs of makeup apparently I’m slumming?

I guess its ok to make fun of someone who didn’t have time to shave or who probably needs a hair cut but forget them going after the smelly people…. That’s just rude! (Note sarcasm) I think if you’re going to criticize one, you might as well criticize the other. Be brave and hand over a bar of soap to a smelly soul or just keep your comments to yourself!

 Today is the first day of spring. All I have to say about that is… ahem… ABOUT FRIGGIN TIME!!!

Up until recently, Utah has been a frozen tundra, with no foreseeable thawing. Over the last few days it’s been relatively warmer, and by relatively I mean being 40 degrees or so, everyone is busting out their short sleeve shirts and shorts because it’s like a ‘heat wave’ out here.

Around February 2, or the pseudo-holiday commonly known as ‘Groundhog Day’, millions of Americans waited eagerly to find out whether we were going to get a break from the endless amounts of snow that kept piling on us. I don’t know who decided that a ground hog named ‘Phil’ could magically predict whether or not Spring would come early, but for some reason a lot of people (including me) secretly hoped that he wouldn’t see his shadow in hopes of ditching our ‘Winter-Ablers’ or Wellbutrin, Xanex and Zoloft for a more formidable ally.

Ordinarily I take the endless falling of snow in stride, but this year was different. I waited patiently as February approached and with every hope of a little kid on Christmas, I would look at weather.com and promptly have my hopes dashed against the rocks, as I would see nothing but the annoying forecast of snow. Sometimes you just need to see the sun. It’s like the snow is my kryptonite and like Superman, I just need the rejuvenating rays of the sun to make me feel good again.

As if not seeing the sun for months on end isn’t bad enough, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the power struggle going on between the people who manage my apartment building and everyone else that lives there. My building was sold to a different management firm, and there was confusion as to who actually would continue to maintenance the building. Being Student housing, there wasn’t a big rush to iron this issue out.

After a good snow fall, there would be snow and ice everywhere and nobody to shovel it up. Being a relatively good Samaritan, but more for the reason that I was tired of slipping and sliding every where, I would go across the street and steal my neighbors shovel and just shovel away. After many of these throughout the winter I began to wonder if it would actually ever end. As much as I love being plugged into my iPod, the cons of blistered hands and frozen limbs got the better of me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of activities that you can do in the snow that are fun, but for the most part I really don’t enjoy 6 straight months of it. Really, if I wanted to see snow most of the year, I’d move up north or possibly to Canada. There is good news on the horizon though. It’s been consistently sunny for about 4 days now. Cross your fingers and hope it stays that way.

In retrospect it could be worse. There is a very frustrated Canadian who wrote a very interesting post as to how bad it is up there: Here’s a blurb.

What’s eating you, Mother Nature? Is it us?

‘We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you’re going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously — ease off. Enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of sedentary Maclean’s columnists who just can’t lift the shovel even one more time. I’m not saying I’m totally sick of winter, but see that animal’s head mounted above my fireplace? Say hello to Punxsutawney Phil. Shadow-seeing bastard had it coming.’

I love working where I work. There I said it! I love observing the people that come into the bank with their various tasks that need done, but the one thing I really like observing is teenagers…or clueless young adults.

You have the teenage boys who can smell a mile away before they even open the door. Holy Cologne! There are the ‘I’m learning how to dress my self and got ideas from the mid 90’s’ (dear goodness if those styles are coming back I’m moving to Canada) and finally, the teenage girls with the ‘I’m learning to apply make up and I’m taking tips from Tammy Faye Baker’ types.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes girls may look like they have tarantulas coming out of their eye lids? It’s freaky like that woman from the movie ‘The Rescuers’.

When ever I’m talking to a girl who has globbed on WAY too much mascara, I have to fight the urge to run for my life before I’m in the middle of an ‘Arachnophobia’ re-enactment.

Thankfully there has been a recent invention (and by recent I mean clear back from the 1930’s) that can help those lashes stay separated and un-clumpy! That’s right; it’s called an eyelash comb. Its handy little handle makes it easy to grip so you can easily brush the clumps right off you’re eye lashes!

I should be a spokes person! I should also mention that applying seven coats of mascara is not only un-necessary but also makes it hard to keep your eyes open. Remember to not pump the brush in and out of the bottle, this makes the mascara dry up faster also leading to tarantula eyes. Move the brush around the inside of the bottle so less air can get in. This will keep your mascara from drying out too fast.

There’s nothing like the flu to stuff up your head and steal every, if any creative impulse you have. It’s the craziest thing. As of this previous weekend, I’ve managed to have the flu 3 times just this season. It’s like nothing is able to combat this ‘Super Flu’. I’m not kidding, I was unaware that the human head could hold that much phlem, and I have year round allergies!

Having spent the better part of the last 3 years sick as a dog with just about everything, there is a full proof method that I believe most people have forgotten about.

Here is Erin’s ‘Mystery-Solution-To-Getting-Better-Faster’ It’s requires the following…

• Lots of Sleep, Tons of Fluid & Vitamins….. It’s so crazy it just might work…. also if you take alkaseltzer plus, drop it in some orange juice, that helps clear up all the congestion in your chest and head.

I love how we now live in a society where you can’t miss work when you’re not only sick but you’re contagious too. I’d say ‘stay home and get better’, but I’m a realist and I realize that most times it isn’t an option. How sad that even when we’re knocking on death’s door, we still have to keep plugging away at school and work because we really don’t have a choice. I guess we have a choice it’s just that the result from the other side of the decision is less than desirable.

I’m a bank teller and I get sick… a lot! I can pretty much bank on the fact that I’m going to get sick at least one more time before spring officially hits down. At least when it’s warmer, it’s harder to get the flu, thank goodness.

But thanks to the disgustingness of money and/or the fact that people sneeze/cough/ and hack all over you, not to mention the fact that only 1 out of every 3 people actually wash their hands after going to the bathroom… I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars that I haven’t taken a dirt nap yet.

With Valentine’s Day literally around the corner there is an abnormal amount of hustle and bustle with ideas about what to get your significant other.

Have no fear! There is one Utah establishment that has hit the Darwin ‘Genius Jackpot’ with a fabulous idea! Why give your sweetheart roses and chocolates when you can give them a gift card for….

LAZER HAIR REMOVAL.

Seriously? Are you kidding? Have you ever dated a woman? Why don’t you just yell out ‘Hey Yeti!’

I guess nothing says I love you like ‘hey mammoth women, go get hair removed it’s freaking me out’!

Don’t get me wrong, I hate shaving like the next female but for Valentine’s Day? In theory it’s a good idea only because shaving every day is numero uno on my list of things I dislike doing, but for Valentine’s Day? In case you didn’t get that…for Valentine’s Day?

Of all the bad Valentine’s Day ideas, That one takes the cake!