Erin The Great

I have been alive for many years now, and in that time I have found myself ‘observing’ people. I’ve been a people watcher for as long as I can remember. I can remember being on my way to high school and I’d see some random person having a very heated conversation with the stop sign at Park Ave and Center St in Salem, Oregon, where I grew up. I remember watching construction workers who decided to re-roof my apartment building in Utah (where I was going to school), in December, while snow piled deep. I remember watching a high school football game when I first arrived here in Texas… Crazy stuff.

Throughout my ‘people-watching’, I have come to realize certain truths about the human race. We are not that far distanced from our animal companions.

1. The few things that separate us from the animal kingdom are as follows; opposable thumbs, the ability to shave body hair, the ability to drive cars.
2. We rely on our basic instincts to get us through our days, especially if those instincts lead us to viable sources of water and/or caffeine.
3. If I were to think of a jungle like the Amazon or the Congo, I’m sure it would resemble something along the lines of ‘Black Friday’. An ‘eat or be eaten’ type of vibe that strikes fear in the hearts of so many of us.
4. Migration: People who literally fly south for the winter…I’m not judging, goodness knows, I did it too.
5. There’s a reason why pandas don’t mate in captivity; and the importance of never setting your friends up on a blind date.
6. The female of the species is the deadliest.

I would like to expound on each of these if I might.

1. Animals can basically do anything we can do except shave, drive and program computers. That one is pretty self-explanatory.
2. Have you ever seen anyone who is really dehydrated or really really needs a caffeine fix? It’s like a squirrel looking for nuts, or a dog looking for your left over Halloween candy. They look and search high and low, sometimes sniffing to see if they can locate the object of their desire in a timelier manner. Once they find it, there is that imminent sigh of relief and then the chugging begins. After they’ve consumed their body weight, it’s off to the bathroom giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘pee like a race-horse’.
3. Have you ever been shopping on the day after Thanksgiving? I have been, but only twice and I made a vow to never do it again. The first time I was 12 years old and didn’t know any better. I had women stealing stuff out of my cart and from around my neck. They were elbowing me in the ribs and stepping on my feet, it was a pure example of ‘survival of the fittest’. Luckily my cousin Anna and I found a pay phone and called our mothers to come pick us up. A few years later I ventured out a little more prepared and a lot more cutthroat. If some woman pushed, I pushed right back. If someone tried to take me down, by Joe someone was going down with me. Through my years I have realized that staying away from the hustle and bustle has worked to my advantage. I no longer need to fight the urge to clothesline the 60-year-old woman who took the last game of ‘Scene-It’ from my cart.
4. Migration. I have lived in several places, but I have four that are the most prominent. I’ve lived in Oregon, Utah, Arizona and Texas. Now, Oregon and Utah are similar in the fact that it gets COLD. It gets ‘chill you to the bone, can’t move my muscles’ cold. Arizona and Texas are similar in the fact that there are about a month’s worth of cold-ish days. When I say cold-ish, I mean I walked out of church yesterday without a jacket and it was a beautiful 67 degrees. Instead of complaining that there is snow all around you and ice packed up to your windows, just do what I, and what almost every bird has done. Go south. It’s a lot warmer down here trust me!
5. Trying to marry off your friends is like getting pandas to mate in captivity. They don’t like it, and it’s only going to be painful for all involved. So let them figure out their own thing and let it happen naturally.
6. ‘Hell hath NO FURY like a woman scorned’ and ‘Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman.’ Have you see the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes”? If not, then you should. The part where the cute young things steal Kathy Bates’ parking spot? Instead of getting mad, she gets even by bashing her huge car into their fun sporty one. All I’m saying is be careful which female you tick off, it might be the last thing you do. ‘TOWANDA’!!!