Erin The Great

I’ve recently been preparing for my journey back to the mother land of Oregon… Oh beautiful Oregon, how I love thee and miss thee. I miss your lush greenery and ever flowing rivers. Mostly I miss my friends and family that I haven’t seen in quite some time.

Right now I’m just counting down the minutes until I get to hop on a plane and get the heck out of this place. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy my current environment but I’m over the moon about going back to my hippie-infested Oregon. You see I’ve been awfully home sick since my 2-day venture of picking up my car clear back in November. Usually signs of my homesick emerge a little more subtlety then they’ve recently been appearing. I was completely content belting out Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody does it better’ at the top of my lungs without any regard to who was watching. This actually isn’t that out of character for me but the tearing up while singing most definitely is. So is tearing up when I was reading some ‘You know you’re from the NorthWest if…’ jokes. So, in less then 24 hours I will be safely back home for a brief but much needed visit.

I received a knock at my door the other day. As usual I yelled at the person to enter not wanting to get off my lazy butt, and like usual there was no reply. Usually when this happens it is either one of three types of people. There are the people that I kind of know that don’t feel comfortable walking into my apartment, the serial killers (which I have yet to encounter *knock on wood) and the panhandlers… or solicitors if you will.

Around here in Provo just blocks from BYU campus there are a lot of students who have taken the desperate job of going door to door selling what ever they can trying to make ends meat. I commend these people but I feel sorry for them because most of the time they run into extremely poor starving college students who can barely scrape enough money for tuition, food and bills. I love the life of college bliss, but I feel really bad when there is a knock on the door and it’s a little kid trying to sell things like cookies, newspapers or magazine subscriptions. Being one of those kids many many moons ago, I feel obligated to at least try to purchase what ever these kids are selling.

With this in mind and proceeding to the end of my story, I wasn’t surprised to find a couple of pre-pubescent teenagers selling newspaper subscription when I went to the door. Unfortunately I was in the middle of paydays so I was strapped for cash. To make matters worse the little extortionists started to send a carefully placed guilt trip as I tried to explain why I couldn’t buy their newspaper and how bad I felt about that fact. I went several rounds with these boys before I finally stopped caring about sparing their feelings and started into a diatribe that went something like ‘are you pulling a guilt trip on me? Listen you little punk, I am a college student that just got done paying my bills and tuition. I know you’re trying to raise money for college and I commend you for that, but before I waste money on something that I’m never going to use, might I tell you that I still need food and I have a very angry cockroach I’ve named Maurice whose been giving me the finger for a week because there is nothing for him to feed on! So thank you for the offer but I’m going to have to decline buthaveagreatday’.

I at least had reminded myself that I probably shouldn’t slam the door in their now very stunned faces because that would be rude, so I gently closed the door hoping my hair was working for me that day so they wouldn’t feel compelled to egg my door. Luckily they didn’t which I was very happy about, but I remember going around door to door with my sales pitch and big brown eyes and not once did I slap someone with a guilt trip. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing something like that. There is a right and a wrong way to do things and pulling a guilt trip like you’re a mother from Brooklyn just isn’t one of them.

What a weekend! Is anyone else just ready to collapse from the crazy happenings of Memorial Day weekend?? I know I am!

First of all I’ll start by thanking everyone involved for making my Birthday memorable and awesome… it just wouldn’t have been the same without you, especially Jill who made the best on the planet (a package of mint Oreos that had been frosted to look like a cake and had ‘Happy Birthday Erin’). It was brilliant! Secondly I just want to say once again that the invention of Dr. Pepper in all of its caffeinated glory was the best idea since the invention of electricity. I say this because without it I’d be running into walls, and driving would have been quite the adventure… so would ‘High-Fiving’ St. Peter afterwards.

I’m beginning to really appreciate programs like ‘Facebook’ and ‘Myspace’ for the service they provide in welcoming back friends you haven’t talked to or heard from in years and years. I have recently come in contact from some of my good friends from back in the day. By back in the day, I mean clear back to grade school through high school… mostly grade school. Luckily a lot of friends I had in high school I met in kindergarten and we went through twelve grueling years together. The great part about this is the fact that these are the friends that know all the crazy stories from school and know that I’m not a lying sack. They know because most of them were present at one point or another and can attest to the validity. It’s so good to have these people back!

I’ll be going home to Oregon on Friday for the wedding of my good friend Kevin. I am really excited to go home and see everyone, and by everyone I mean old friends as well as the recently reconnected ones (thank you Facebook). If anything I’ll come back to Utah with enough stories to fill a months worth of blogging. All we need to do is get together and ideas just naturally come pouring out. Ooh, I really hope North Fork is involved. That would be great. North Fork was our local watering hole, and by watering hole I mean an actual river that has water and trees and various things of this nature… not a bar or pub, but I’m pretty sure there is one down the road from the turn off. Any way, I’m getting homesick just talking about it so I’m going to stop.

So, thank you all those of you who have fought to keep our country free and great. To the current soldiers over seas, good luck and god speed. I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day Weekend.

Mullets, wife beaters, trashy makeup and mini skirts…. Yes, this was my White Trash themed Birthday party. It was amazing, inventive and fun and I had an absolute blast! We initially were going to have a barbecue outside but thanks to the endless amount of crappy weather, we were forced to move the festivities inside.

It was ok, because listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Def Leppard, Kid Rock & Limp Bizkit blaring inside my tiny apartment sent a weird but comforting chill through my heart. The funny thing about parties nowadays is the fact that if people don’t like the music, you know they’re just going to bust out their iPods and take care of the Deejaying for you. This happened periodically through the night and by the end of it, we probably had around 6 iPods lying around. Oh technology… where were you in my high school days?

People danced, mingled, and ate little Debbie cakes. The homemade Root beer exploded and all in all, I’d say the party was a hit. I just want to thank everyone who was there for helping me take the leap into 26 in style!

As I was wandering aimlessly about town yesterday, I was trying to figure out where the best place to go and get supplies for a costume I’m currently putting together. After thinking of all the costume places I could go to, I realized that I could just go to my local thrift store, where I could carefully piece together what I had in mind. I walked into the DI knowing full well that I wasn’t going to leave disappointed (as thrift stores usually don’t). The usual stench of old clothes and Body Odor smacked me in the face as I B-lined for the jeans section, as I was looking for ANYTHING in an acid wash. I looked and looked and then I found them… pants that would only be in style in the great state of Oregon. They were perfect. With bells at the bottom and tether to lace up the front I knew these were pants that would match the other half of my semi-hippie influenced wardrobe.

It doesn’t matter what you go to a thrift store to find because you will always leave with about seven other things that catch your eye as you look through decade’s worth of discards. I seriously wonder about the sanity of the people who tend to get rid of such treasures like polyester leisure suits and golf pants. I know what you’re thinking, what the heck is this girl thinking? Well I’ll tell you. I’ve been an avid thrift store shopper since I was old enough to realize that my style and the current styles don’t usually co-inside. Luckily I’m from Oregon so you can pretty much get away with wearing what ever you want. I remember going to school in a shirt made out of towel material, a pair of floodwater golf pants and gray and maroon suspenders. I could see the look on my mother’s face as she tried to hide her laughter as I walked out the door. This wasn’t the first time she’d suppressed her laughter and it sure wasn’t going to be the last. I had a pair of very blue corduroy pants that I would wear with the ugliest maroon velour track jacket (which I still have) you’ve ever seen. The best thing about finding such gems at the local thrift stores is that you run absolutely no risk of anyone turning up in the same outfit. How great is that? You can express yourself and the only embarrassment you run is getting caught in such rags…. Did I say rags? I mean treasures beyond your wildest dreams… there that’s better.

Call me crazy but some of the best times I’ve had where being a teenager and wearing whatever I wanted (which usually involved polyester) without any real damage to my self-esteem. Those were the days!

Domestic Goddesses beware!! There has been an infiltration of poser wannabes that have hit down on our turf. We’ve had our mad skills for years! We learned from our mothers, aunts and Grandmothers to cook, clean and sew, while these impostors are going to college to be as cool as us!

This is ridiculous! You go to college to learn an actual major like History, Pre-Med, English, Child Education… stuff like that. You don’t go to college to learn crap you should have learned in Home EC back in High School! You don’t come to BYU and enroll in the MFHD (Marriage, Family, & Human Development) major and think that it’s going to have some profound impact on your life! It seems more often then not, these girls are only going to college to appease their parents and end up just floating through college until some poor sap comes along, puts a ring on their finger and gives them their MRS degree.

It’s like these girls have seen one to many episodes of The ‘Donna Reid Show’ or ‘Leave it to Beaver’. These girls didn’t here through their whole lives, ‘Put your shoulders back’ and ‘Sit up straight young lady’. It’s cool that you want to be like us, but take classes that will learn you these skills, don’t dedicate your whole major to it. That is just stupid!

I have seen too many girls brag about how their in the MFHD major to some ‘NASA employee’ looking Mormon boy that comes along and eats it all up, meanwhile while actual Domestic Goddesses such as myself, look on this poor and pathetic sight and just sigh, shake our heads and laugh to ourselves that we didn’t need to flaunt out talents as a desperate act to catch a man. Our men will just be pleasantly surprised that they caught one of us unknowingly as they find out later that yes, we can cook! Booyah!

Eat your hearts out Posers! In my stolen Apron and everything!!

I was reading a fellow blogger today. She had posted something about making herself cute when she was a little girl so that someone would see her and adopt her from her large family. I thought this was hysterical, not only because I had felt like that when I was younger, but also because I’m the oldest so there was no way I was going to give up my territory for some little runt that happened to come after me. I was the golden child and I wanted it to stay that way!

I tried for months and months when ‘the boy’ was born to have my mom take him back. ‘No! Take him back’ I would scream. This would usually happen after ‘the boy’ would come and knock over my blocks. Such an event would send my 2-year-old self into an all-star hissy fit. After it was abundantly clear that this constant pain in my butt wasn’t going anywhere, I began to devise other plans. Plans that happened with the mind set of ‘well if it’s here, it might as well be useful’. My brother turned very quickly into a doll I could dress up and whose hair I could put clips in. Yes, he was the perfect doll until he decided that he wasn’t having it anymore. I had to devise a new plan. I’ll sell him! Yes, that should do the trick! I tried to pawn him off on the neighbors and other family members, but that didn’t work either. He was there to stay no matter how I felt about the matter.

It’s funny. I’ll be talking to friends and they’ll be talking about how they grew up best friends with their siblings… this was not the case in the Jarvis house. We’re friends NOW, but growing up was very interesting. There was some serious sibling rivalry going on there. He was the baby so basically he got spoiled, and a lot of the attention. He was smarter and funnier…at least I had sarcasm. Being the experiment child (as older children usually are) I didn’t understand why there was a crack down on the shenanigans coming from me. I guess flooding the school bathroom in the third grade didn’t exactly help my case, but still! After I started getting in trouble for playing poker and winning lunch money (Thank you dad and Mr. Grassman for teaching us young and impressionable children how to play poker on our 3rd grade field trip to the zoo…) as well as various other acts of destruction, the boy decided to use this to his advantage by starting fights and then yelling something along the lines of ‘Erin stop’…. Guess who got in trouble?

Both of us were criminal masterminds, my brother being much more so (Friggin little genius). Luckily I was also quite the little Con Artist, so when we did get along, it was amazing what we could get done and the things we could accomplish. My poor mother… I think she deserves more then a mansion in heaven. For years our number was on the school’s speed dial as well as us being banned from houses for being ‘bad examples’ whatever! Your children were just as bad as we were! We were just better at not getting caught… tee hee hee.

All the sibling rivalry aside, I must admit that with my ever-growing jealousy of his ability to pull better pranks then me as well as being able to TP full blown mansions in a matter of minutes. It wasn’t until after I graduated High School when my jealousy turned into full-blown admiration. It was right after he climbed the roof of our school and painted the bell tower a brilliant plaid. That moment on, I realized that it was pointless. I’ve pulled some good pranks in my time and have done some seriously stupid stunts but it didn’t matter anymore. We both had way to many ‘black mail’ stories for our own good. I think the reason for that was we would always try to ‘one up’ the other and through that we’ve managed to accomplish some great things. So Jake, here’s to you buddy! Thank you for giving me endless fodder for my blog and novel as well as help developing my sarcasm and wit… There had to be something I was better at. Thank you mom for not sending him back when I pleaded with you… and for not getting mad when I told him that you found him under a rock and took pity.

Top 5 Worst TV Spin-Offs

1. Diagnosis Murder (Murder She Wrote)
2. The Ropers (Three’s Company)
3. Saved By The Bell The New Class (Saved By The Bell)
4. That 80’s Show (That 70’s Show)
5. Joey (Friends)

*Talk about wanting to capitalize off the genius of a great show. Very rarely do Spin-offs make it as big as their predecessors…Here’s what happens when they do…

Top 5 Best TV Spin-Offs

1. The Facts of Life (Diff’rent Strokes)
2. Private Practice (Grey’s Anatomy)
3. Boston Legal (The Practice)
4. Frasier (Cheers)
5. The Simpsons (That’s right! It first appeared as a space filler for the Tracy Ullman Show)

* Then there’s the ‘What the heck were they thinking’ section. When Horrible shows that should never have hit the airwaves in the first place… As if the first round wasn’t enough torture, they sent us these wonderful gems!

Top 5 Crappy TV Shows that should NEVER have had Spin-Offs

1. Laguna Beach (The Hills)
2. Xena Warrior Princess (Hercules)
3. Bay Watch Nights (Bay Watch)
4. Time Of Your Life (Party Of Five)
5. Young Americans (Dawson’s Creek)

I have now completed my day of accomplishing absolutely nothing… I’ve got to be honest it feels really good. I’m basking in the delight now, because I know within just the span of about a day, my anal-retentive need for clean and organization is going to hit down. For right now, I’ll stay lying on my living room floor in the giant space of sun coming through my window… right now I’m on my own personal beach listening to great tunes and waiting for my Dr. Pepper to cool to a perfect chilled temperature. What could be better?

It’s a far cry from a couple of weeks ago when I thought my head was going to explode. I’m liking this a whole lot better.

By the grace of heaven and the best boss on the planet, I now have the next 5 days off!! This is the best thing to happen since the Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger hit the Wendy’s dollar menu.

Here I sit without a care in the world. Even though I want to clean, organize and do the mountain of laundry that I’ve put off for a while, the only thing I want to do is sit here with my iPod and just let my brain ooze. It’s one of those good iPod mix days… You the days when every song that comes on is a song you want to listen to, in fact Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding Out For a Hero’ just came on. The reason I’m even bringing this up is for the lyrics. Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where’s the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Seriously where have all the men gone? After the whole ‘Metro’ movement, and with the rising population of Emo-men, I’m beginning to wonder when the men are going to come back? It’s like after our ‘Women’s Liberation’, we’ve apparently felt it necessary to be our own protectors, which is a good thing don’t get me wrong but I think it may have caused some gender confusion over the years. I’m afraid that I’m going to marry someone that will cower in a corner when there is an intruder in the house, and it’s going to be MY right-hook that’s going to save us instead of his. I hope this is only a current nightmare and not how my life is going to turn out. After the last string of guys I’ve dated it’s becoming more of a reality and to be perfectly honest I’m a little worried. I guess it’s my fault but there have been several I’ve dated that have had to pull ME away from ESPN… Something about a man that doesn’t like sports just isn’t right! I know I’ve basically been ‘One of the guys’ my whole life but apparently it hasn’t occurred to some of these individuals that I would for once like to be the damsel in distress? I guess not!

It’s sad to think that out of all 50 states in the US, there are only 2 states I can think of that if a guy says he’s from there, you don’t even question their manliness because you know it’s not an issue. Thank you Texas and Montana for keeping your men actual MEN! Other then the two exceptions, you really have to search to find them. Give me a Clint Eastwood over a Pete Wentz any day!