Erin The Great

Today I was looking on ksl.com under the classifieds and came across a ‘free stuff’ category. You wouldn’t believe the crap people try to pawn off on other people because they are too lazy to take it DI or Goodwill. My personal favorite was the listing for a ‘free box of crap’. All you have to do is go pick it up and you’re set! WOW! A free box of crap! It must be my lucky day!

Do you need two different sized shoes? How about very ugly couches? No, you want the two boxes of cereal that expire this month…I can either continue making fun or I can offer good ideas for all this free stuff. There are different entries which include a free toilet, dirt, a lot of paint, wood and other various objects and knick knacks.

Idea #1: Here’s what you do. Go to the store and buy flower seeds or pre-plotted flowers. Get the free toilet and put the free dirt in the free toilet. Then plot the flowers and use the free paint to disguise the fact that you just used a toilet as a flower pot.

Idea #2: There is a listing for free wood. Take the free paint that you got because of idea #1. Build a tree house… even if you’re in your 30’s. There are plenty of things you can build with free wood. Then paint your creation.

Idea #3: The listing for 40 picture frames, kiddie photo’s and free scrap booking supplies. You could have some real fun with that one!

If any of these Ideas don’t appeal to your taste, you can just go for the free box of crap and just go nuts.

Today is one of those days where you wish you could just post something declaring to everyone on the planet to be nice to your bank tellers; they usually know what they are talking about. In fact, when it comes to operations, they usually are the most knowing in the entire bank!

Most tellers will tell you there are a few subjects that come up that you just pray go well, because if you don’t, you get chewed out royally if it’s something the customer doesn’t want hear. I have compiled a short list of complaints that we, as tellers here about the most. The reason most tellers are so knowledgeable on these subjects, is because we constantly have to explain them to customers. They are as follows;

• Funds Availability
  Over Drafts
  Auto Payments
  Debit Card Issues
  Availability of other staff members

Funds Availability – Every BANK (Credit Unions are different) abides by Reg CC or ‘Funds Availability’. Banks might have different check holding policies, but the underlining factor is the same where ever you go. Credit Unions follow their own rules. Please be aware of this before you storm your bank with daggers drawn. Banks make cash available the same say, local checks are the next day, and non-local checks are available after two days. Credit Unions make EVERYTHING same day availability. The only problem with this is if there is a chargeback (when a check you deposited doesn’t clear the other bank) on your account, you are screwed!

Over Drafts – Also called NSF or ‘non sufficient funds’. I’d like to think this is self explanatory, but apparently this notion is lost on a lot of people. Now everyone has bad months were you forget to document things, or something unexpected happens. This is totally understandable, but to constantly spend money that you don’t have is just plain irresponsible! My biggest pet peeve working for a bank is when people keep spending money when they know they don’t have it, and EVERY month these people come in wanting fees reversed and get mad at the tellers. It’s not our fault! Stop spending! Apparently I’m supposed to track everyone who banks here and physically take their card or checkbook out of their hands when their money runs out…. All this makes me want to do is find the closest heavy object and smack them with it and try and beat some sense into them… I’m adding a small thank you to the people who know they over draw their accounts and just acknowledge the fact that fees go with that and don’t complain.

*As a side note, please note that fees in general are just apart of banking life. You can’t avoid them. Banks have to make money. If you don’t like getting fees, might I suggest a piggy bank or stuffing your money in a mattress!

Auto-Payments – I agree that these are tricky sometimes, but they don’t have to be. The trick is to know what is coming out of where and for how much. I keep a list on my register with the date and amount on it so I don’t forget to have money in my account. It’s worked pretty well so far. If this is too difficult, just take everything off of auto payments. Here is a little loophole; if you have an auto-payment for a loan because you got the ½ % off the interest rate, all you have to do is have it go through the first couple of months and then sign a paper stating that you would like to discontinue the auto-pay. Usually your interest rate won’t be touched and you don’t have to deal with stress anymore.

Debit Card Issues – Here are the facts. You can only withdrawal a certain amount a day from the ATM. You can only spend up to a certain amount a day if you run it as a ‘debit’. If you run your debit card as ‘credit’ (yes you can do this), you can spend as much as you have in your account. If the place you are purchasing something from is having debit card issues, simply run it as a credit.

Availability Of Other Staff Members – If you call in for a specific person and they aren’t available. Don’t harass the person who answered the phone. We don’t like it. We also can’t help that the person you are looking for is currently busy. They don’t think you’re un-important and they would love to help you, you just need to be patient or leave a message and they will get back to you.

There are some tips and remember to please be nice to your tellers. If you are a jerk or a D-bag in anyway shape or form, they will remember you… and not for the good. If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It’s Erin the Fem-Nazi slayer!

I was reading a friend’s blog the other day, and he had posted something about the tortures of being one of the girls. After reading I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that this poor guy was dragged to look at the ‘oh so cute’ plates as well as various other places. After reading I realize all the things that women put men through, and all the loaded questions that we ask them only to have them run for cover at the thought of being scorched by fire should they answer wrongly.

Women that ask loaded questions like; does this make my butt look big? Is that girl prettier than me? Do you want to go shopping with me? Want to go to a chick-flick? Or any DTR (defining the relationship) related questions.

Why? Why would you do this? All I have to say is, if your willing to drag your husband/boyfriends/ guy friend through hell, then be prepared to sit through a Steven Seagal movie or monster truck rally to even the score. Don’t think that a successful relationship is avoiding retribution!

It makes me sick to see a Fem-Nazi pulling her poor shell of a man by the short hairs. It’s not fair! I have news for you honey! Your not screaming ‘I am woman here me roar!’ your screaming ‘I am so ridiculously insecure that I feel I need to dominate everyone around me’. Those are the women who don’t realize that you can be strong and independent without making others hope you eat a can of botulism. It’s called ‘GIVE and take’ not a ‘take take take here maybe I’ll throw you a bone’!

Start at the beginning. If you are dating someone who just rolls over and plays dead, then run for the hills! You don’t want someone who you will be able to walk all over, that’s not fair to either one of you. You want someone who challenges you to be a good person as well as yourself. Don’t date someone whose life you want to make a living hell just to prove something to yourself.

I take my example from my mother. You can find someone to marry that won’t be like slapping on the ball and chain. My mom doesn’t run my dad’s life and vice versa. Those two are completely happy being themselves as well as being married to each other. I have watched more guy friends get married and promptly have their lives turned upside down. I have also had a few girlfriends marry guys and try immediately to change them. A wise person once said ‘If you feel like you have to change the one you’re with, you’re changing the perfect person for someone else’.

*One of my good friend’s blog helps you realize what a TRUE feminists is…. With a small disclaimer of the fact that these women are off their rockers but they are entertaining!

Just when this word seems like it couldn’t get anymore creepy and weird, I read about something that makes my skin absolutely crawl!

Leave it to the whack jobs of America to try and revive polygamy! Not only has this particular individual tried to revive polygamy but he’s reviving it with over 50 girls, all under the age of 16. I’ve posted a link to the news story…

52 Children Removed From Polygamist Compound In Texas

‘There was a crackdown on a polygamist compound after a 16-year-old girl claimed she was sexually abused. It’s being called the largest single investigation by the Texas Department of Family Services, and it’s centered around the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints’ (FLDS) ranch near Eldorado, Texas.’

Nothing like the Fundamentalist, Re-Organized, and Community of Christ wanting to be completely separate from the LDS church but keeping the same name with another word in front… Kudos on the originality guys! Keep making yourselves proud with your crazy antics!

I’m from Oregon, so taking a swim in the various mud holes around here in Utah Valley is borderline torture. Since it’s my only option as of present, I’ve been just sucking it up and despite all odds, been having fun while doing it.

I’ve always wondered what kind of things dwelled in the various water holes here, and after reading this…. I’m never touching another Utah lake, pond, or river ever again!

Fanged Fish creating mystery in Brigham City.

The only thing that is going through my mind is ‘Sweet Moses, that thing could take off one of my legs and probably swallow me whole!’ Even though you can’t see it, I’m shuddering as we speak. I’ll be having nightmares about that for a while.

Happy Friday! You know what that means… another segment of  ‘Stupid News’

I have found a few gems for you today, starting with one that Is pretty close to my heart being a bank teller and all.

Alleged Bank Robber Leaves Her Photo ID – Oh wow! A word to the wise… if you are going to commit a felony, it’s probably a good idea to think it through first before providing vital information about yourself and whereabouts.

Cosmetic Castration Banned – There are no words… I guess desperate times call for desperate measures

Woman Stuck In Bathtub For 5 Days – I feel really bad about this but it’s still kind of funny… Leave it to an Oregonian. After the ‘Pregnant Man’, we’re all very proud!

Real life Goldilocks story – Again, leave it to a Northwester to make headline news.

Arkansas Children Cry As They Can no Longer Marry - ??? and to think all I had to do to marry my grade school crush was live in Arkansas! He used to throw rocks at me because he liked me *sigh*

finally we come to the most ridiculous…

Naomi Campbell Arrested… again - Somebody lock that crazy beast up and throw away the key!!!

That’s it for another edition of ‘Stupid News’, I hope you enjoyed!

Today is what I like to refer to as a ‘Darwin Day’. A ‘Darwin Day’ proves that the theory of natural selection is unfortunately just a theory, or else some people would have been killed off years ago.

There are two-parts to my tale, and it begins with the drive to and from work, we’ll call that Part 1. Then we have the 5 hours which I work at the bank, we’ll call that Part 2.

Ok, I live In Provo where BYU is the pride and joy of the city. I also unfortunately live about 2 blocks south of its campus. This usually isn’t bothersome until I have to drive anywhere. It doesn’t matter because anytime I drive down the road I can count on almost hitting at least 10-15 idiot BYU students within a 10 block radius.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t give you the look of ‘entitlement’. The look of ‘I’m going to walk where ever and in front of what ever I want’. It’s all I can do to not come off like I’m a sailor on leave, because just the look is enough to fry my insides. The ones that really get me though are the students that either just start walking in front of your moving vehicle, or the ones that take their sweet time crossing the street looking at you like ‘what are you going to do about it’?

Every time I see one of those looks, all I can think about is how lucky those individuals are that I’m not packing heat! Try giving one of those looks in Detroit or Oakland… You’d be shot down so fast…. Which gives me a wonderful idea, I have in my possession a sling shot. From now on every time a person walks gleefully out in front of my car I’m going to bust out my slingshot and some paint balls and just go nuts. Those people will learn real fast! My only regret is that after having lived here for almost five years I didn’t think of it sooner!

Dang it, I’m pretty bent about having just barely thought of that! Moving on… After nearly hitting the BYU students I make my way to the bank where I normally deal with Utah’s finest and the meat-heads coming in from the GYM across the street. Then my longing for natural selection really begins.

Almost every time I ask a customer for their ID or for an account number, the usual response is to look like a deer in the headlights and then verbally respond with ‘why do you need to see it’? Oh dear… blood pressure rising… must*fight*urge* to*slap*person*… Ok plaster smile and verbally say ‘I need your account number so can do your transaction and your ID to make sure you are who you say you are… *smile*… (While thinking) ‘Because I have a weird fetish where I like to look at not only your ugly mug, but your ugly photo on your ID as well! As far as your account number, well I thought I’d just pillage the $16.58 you have in your account… why the heck do you think I’m asking for it you idiot’?

As for the meat-heads, well nothing is more flattering then having one in front of you going off about how much he works out, and his cool car and blah blah blah, wow, you really know how to impress a girl with brains! Well done buddy! Well done!

OY! Sometimes it’s all you can do to have a fake smile plastered on your face while counting down the minutes until you can go home and crawl back into bed and forget that people of this caliber exist.

I’m beginning to feel the back lash of April Fools. I went crazy yesterday as far as pranks go, and it was absolutely worth it! Except that now my friends want to see my demise…

I started out small with tiny pranks like updating my facebook status to say something like ‘I was long boarding and took a nasty spill and I’m now on crutches’. I then found my old knee brace and crutches and acted the part.

After that I went to work where I went to ksl.com and advertised two of my friend’s cars in the classifieds. This was great because I put very low asking prices, just so people would bite. I entered captions like ‘inherited from grandfather, need money for tuition’ and ‘going through bitter divorce settlement, I don’t want that lying harpy to get a cent from me… buy now’. Unfortunately, the postings took a while to post on the internet so I had various co-workers calling them asking about their ksl adds.

It was working pretty well until they started combining phone numbers and realized what was going on. Apparently I was the first option or ‘usual suspect’ among maybe one other person… This saddens me a little. Does everyone around me just think I’m a trouble maker? Or was it just brilliant enough to where there would be only one option i.e. me? While my friend Todd was busy plotting my death, my other friend Clark was a little more pro-active about it. This particular friend had his sister pretend to be his secretary and had her re-routing all the calls back to me. Katie, I salute you! I received about 10 calls before I figured out how to forward my phone number back to Clark, letting him take the heat for a while.

I feel slightly bad about the call volume for these two individuals. After finding out that Todd had turned off his phone for a couple hours and after turning it back on, he had 21 voice messages…. On a brighter note, it’s always good to know ones phone capacity.

To my other two victims I apologize at the lack of creativity. One prank I didn’t even get to do because at that point the finger of blame was pointing to me. I had my friend Brandon call my other friend… we’ll call him Osmond, pretending to be responding to a personal add. The phone call went something like this:

B: Hello is this Osmond?
O: Yeah
B: Hi, I’m just responding to your profile on lovecity.com. I don’t normally do this but I noticed that you live in Provo and I live in Provo. I also see that you’re from Plano too and you have blue eyes and dark hair… wait why did he hang up on me? Erin, you’re friend hung up on me!

By this point I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. After I had collected myself, MY phone started ringing off the hook with the re-routed ad phone calls. After receiving about 3 of them I called Clark to inquire about the calls. This was my mistake! Apparently I sound guilty when I’m lying because my friend Todd picked up on it. Crap! I was busted for sure but at least managed to put doubt in the rest of their minds before hanging up the phone.

As for my friend Don… lets just say had I not been targeted, you would have received a prank phone call from an executive of ‘Play Girl’, denying your application to be a model. They’re going with the ‘exotic look’ this month but please re-submit for the ‘albino’ addition in September.

To these individuals I would like to say thank you! I haven’t been able to pull a decent prank in years and it felt REALLY good to stretch my pranking muscles, and let loose. Thank you for being the first worthy opponents I’ve see in a very long time! Vindication is certainly yours!

Happy April Fools Day!

April Fools Day is the best day of the year! It’s the day when you can feel completely justified pulling pranks and lying your socks off to people. I think it’s the one day a year where the ‘thou shalt not lie’ commandment is put on a temporary hiatus.

I’ve had an absolute field day today pulling stunts and making prank phone calls. Heaven help me I love this holiday. I’m not going to tell you exactly what I’ve done… at least until the people have calmed down about it. I don’t need to be found out quite yet.

For good ideas look at one of my previous posts ‘The art of Pranking’, to get someone really good!