Erin The Great

In the last 6 weeks I have been a regular it seems in the emergency room of the Utah Valley Hospital. It all started October 20 when my friend Candice was dancing nearby on her long board and took a turn for the worst. A shattered ankle, morphine and a surgery later we all headed home after camping out in her hospital room for 3 days.

All was well when a week later at a Halloween dance I threw my knee out again, only this time I displaced the patella and tore the meniscus. There we were again but at least this time we knew where all the vending machines on every floor were. It finally seemed that peace would once more be restored.

Last night was like any other except for my friend Sienna was admitted into the emergency room for heart pain. After what seemed like every wrong test in the book, they discharged her for inflamed heart muscles but she’d be ok with just some Advil. After several visits I have to come to realize that not all hospitals are great grand and wonderful with staff ready to help you without botching things up. This worries me due to the fact that one day I’ll be a doctor and I hope beyond hope that I don’t turn out like some of the people we’ve encountered. Here’s a list of pro’s and con’s of hospital stays.

• Pro’s – Wheel chair races are fun no matter what age you are, Day nurses are the only nurses that actually know what they’re doing, you can sock surf down the 3rd floor corridor at 3 am and there’s nobody there, cafeteria food really isn’t all that bad in fact the Provo hospital is one untapped resource for great food, really attractive male interns and doctors, free internet, pizza parties with the PA’s and nurses.

• Con’s – Night nurses trying to kill you because they don’t know how to install or even operate an IV properly, nurses that don’t give you the proper medication because they think you’re ‘faking the pain’, idiot doctors who tell you and your friends that you’re going to hell because you’re not married and don’t have kids, telling you that you have no business going into the medical profession because your job is to be a Mormon baby breading machine, being told that anxiety medicine is only for people who don’t have it together.

I realize that doctors and nurses get lied to constantly but when you have someone who just wants the pain to stop and wants their medical stuff taken care of, you’d think that people would be willing to help right? This is ridiculous! I’m making a promise right here right now that I refuse to be one of those people who doesn’t listen and treats patients like crap. I will listen and try to the best of my ability to get a correct diagnosis on my patients, and I absolutely refuse to leave them in the hands of the ‘night nurses’ or the butchers of Kavorkian and the bringers of the apocalypse. I’ll take a stand and make a difference and I will squash anyone who disrupts the peace that I will fight like hell to restore… beware of the night nurses!

Having come from the land of Christmas trees, I thought everyone in the world went down the road with their saw in toe to chop down their piece of Christmas Spirit.

I was told around the tender age of 10 or 11 that Oregon provided for a good chunk of the world’s Christmas trees but figured ‘Hey, they probably charge some crazy amount… like 10-15 bucks’. Tragedy struck on a dark December day. I had been in Utah about 5 months when it came time to decorate for the holidays and carry on the ever-loved tradition of going to pick out a tree. Since I was nowhere near family I thought I’d carry on the tradition myself. I went down to the local market where I saw the trees. There they were, in all their majestic beauty ready to be taken home and decorated to an inch of it’s life with tacky decorations that make everyone smile. I go up to the tree that had ‘pick me’ all over it and I looked at the price tag WHAT? $50 bucks? What the? I couldn’t believe it; my world was shattered in the thought that I might not have a Christmas tree on my first Christmas away from home.

Tears started welling up as I thought about the injustice of such a price on an article I’d clearly taken for granted having been raised in the Northwest. Hope was waning. I walked into the store hoping to uplifted by all the fat Santas and headed for the ‘comfort food isle’ in hopes that a little Dr. Pepper and a can of easy cheese would ease my pain, but to no avail. A dark cloud had welled over my spirit and it would take a miracle to raise it again.

I drove home listening to Carly Simon hoping that with her hurt I’d find consoling. I walked up to apartment and started thinking of all the Christmases and all the trees that I’d known when an idea came to mind. I remembered a story about a family I grew up with one year that had forgotten to purchase a tree and had used their vacuum cleaner as a substitute. For moment I had hope, but how was I to proceed? I went to the linen closet where there in it’s glory stood a vacuum that had long been neglected due to the fact that it no longer worked. I took it out, studied it and walked back to my car. ‘I will have a Christmas tree!’ I’d proclaimed with delight!

After heading to the local Wal-Mart, I walked up and down the isles looking for something that would cleverly disguise my vacuum when I came upon the garland. There amongst the mass quantities of garland was some green tree looking stuff that I figured would do the trick. I found some cheap decorations and some lights and headed home eager to show ‘The Man’ that it could be done on my own terms. I got home and got right to work. I worked on that bad boy for over an hour wondering how this was all going to turn out. I was finally finished with my masterpiece. I stepped back and took a look, it was amazing. My Christmas spirit had returned. All was happy throughout the land. My Christmas would be whole once more.

A terrible travesty has happened to our fair generation.

The guy who thought up the ingenious idea of the ‘pink flamingo’ lawn ornament has officially gone out of business after 49 long years. This saddens me greatly for I once lived in a house that was decorated by this incredibly majestic bird. That’s right folks! I like to think they added to ‘my wide spectrum of crazy’ also known as my personality.

I know what you’re thinking, pink flamingos? What the? I think they are symbolic almost, either that or maybe I just want to road trip to Florida. Either way, they have been a symbol of constant in world full of change. A weird idea that lasted for decades only to be brought down by the man! Think about it, as white trashy as they are, does it not bring a smile to your face every time you see one of those statue-esque pieces of greatness? I’d like to see one person that doesn’t deep down love and admire one of those birds. How can you not? It probably took one for the team while a bird flew over head pelting it with bird feces. In a water fight, it may have provided protection against a wayward water balloon. During a regular fight, it may have protected you from a carefully propelled fist.

Where would you be with out one man’s pure genius! Next time you see one carefully placed in someone’s yard, take a bow or ponder a fond felt memory. Here’s to you little buddy, I salute you!